Pity Parties and True Celebrations

The kidlets harassing Dickens, their grandparents' cat

My heart skips a little beat as I head to the car. I have just left my kids at their grandparents' place for about four and a half hours. I have an appointment this afternoon, but this morning is FREE. Wow! I will have uninterrupted work time at home for a couple hours at least, I tell myself. But first, I need to stop by supermarket and pick up the weekly groceries. *sigh*

What's wrong with me? I ask myself. I normally enjoy grocery shopping. Maybe it's because I miss the kidlets and their amusing chatter and antics. That must be it.

But that's not it. In the very ordinary task of doing the grocery shopping, I have had an epiphany. I am grieving the loss of the anticipation of pleasure I used to experience when grocery shopping. Woah, back up lady! Aren't you being a little over-dramatic??

Okay, let me explain how the epiphany came about. I was walking up and down the aisles, grabbing the items on my list. Pretty ordinary thing to do at the supermarket. But the difference today was that I didn't have my kids with me to distract me from my internal commentary. So I heard it loud and clear, and it went something like this:

Chips. You wish, sister. Walk on by, just walk on by. Oh, the kids are out of bread, you'd better get some bread. Mmmmm, doesn't it just look delicious? Remember that taste of fresh baked bread? Stop it, that's not helpful. You don't eat bread anymore, remember? Now what treat will help motivate Eliza this week with her toileting. Hmmm, the tiny teddies variety pack I suppose. Oh my goodness,why do I just want to guzzle these myself? Must make internal pact to not eat a single one, because if I have one I won't be able to stop. Oh dear, fair trade chocolate is on special. WANT WANT WANT!! No, stop it. You are on a chocolate fast...

By the time I hit the fruit and veggie area (which I leave til last), I was feeling rather sad. I wanted to cry, and felt very silly for wanting to cry. My internal monologue was sounding rather sarcastic by now:

Oh goody – green beans! Can't wait to snack on those. And look at these nice fresh carrots, won't they be satisfying. Oh, and for an extra exciting treat, here are some APPLES. Yum yum, right? Who would want chocolate when there are delicious royal gala apples up for grabs?

It kept going, but I think you get the picture. MAJOR PITY PARTY. Minus the PARTY bit (sugar and fat filled food)! As I waited at the register to pay, I unhappily noticed a big display a few metres from me, declaring that if you haven't yet, you MUST try the new Lindt carmel lindor balls.

Internal tantrum ensued. What?? My favourite chocolate – Lindt – have FINALLY put out a range of lindor balls (my favourite kind of Lindt chocolate) in my favourite flavour – caramel?? NOW, of all times, while I'm on a chocolate fast!! That is just SO not fair!

That's when it hit me - I am grieving the loss of the anticipation of pleasure I used to experience when grocery shopping. It wasn't a conscious anticipation, but I guess it was very much a part of my shopping experience. And now it's gone.

As I drove home, I gave in to the tears. I remembered a book I had purchased online out of the blue on Friday, as I just felt prompted to from an old scrap of a memory. It's called “Thrilled to Death: how the endless pursuit of pleasure is leaving us numb”. I don't particularly WANT to read it, but I felt prompted to buy it anyway. And what do you think was waiting for me as I drove into the driveway? Yep, the package with that book in it. I had a wry chuckle at God's sense of humour and lugged the groceries inside.

Don't get me wrong – I do enjoy a healthy salad lunch, and the taste of fruit. I just don't LOOK FORWARD to it. I don't experience a sense of anticipation about the pleasure it will bring me. Because it doesn't deliver a sensation of pleasure with each bite, and a sugar high that carries me through the next couple hours. Instead, it delivers a much more staid sense of wholesome “I know I made a good choice” satisfaction. Which seems much more boring, but carries with it a much more lasting positive consequence.

What started initially as a quest to lose 20kg in a year (or preferably 6 months!) has turned into quite a journey of self-discovery and, more importantly, a quest for a deeper experience of God's presence. I keep learning rather embarrassing things about myself as I currently am, but also gaining insight into who God wants to help me become.

I know this may seem rather trivial to some. You know, #firstworldproblems and all that. But, while the particular manifestion may be a first world problem (having access and means to purchase and consume too much unhealthy food), I believe the root issue is one common to humankind. The quest to experience pleasure is the drive for much of human behaviour. And what my head knows but my heart is still in the process of discovering is this: that I already have full access to the truest and only lasting source of pleasure that there is – intimacy with God. 

In this moment, I know without a doubt that God is using this health quest I am on to strip away the distractions, to uncover the addictions and to use it all to point me back to Himself. And for that, I am grateful. Did you hear me? I said I am GRATEFUL! I can happily declare my pity party over (for now!), and my focus back on what really matters. Now that, my friends, is a reason to celebrate! BRING ON THE CARROT STICKS!!

New Embroidered Jewellery Range

 Hi there :)

It's been a busy month and I've been neglecting the blog again. Oops! Here's a sneak peek at something I've been working on - a new range of embroidered jewellery. Teeny, tiny, miniature hand stitched button earrings, rings, pendants...what do you think?

This final one is a pendant I made for myself from a drawing my almost four year old daughter did. I just loved this little happy tree with shoes, and couldn't resist making a tiny embroidered version of it to hang around my neck. I'm putting it out there to ask: Should I stock this in my online shops?

The original drawing

Commissioned with Confidence, Payment in Cuddles

Or: “Miniature Things I Have Made At My Daughter's Request”

My three and a half year old daughter is my biggest fan. Anytime she sees me stitching anything, or comes across something I've finished, she exclaims with adorable enthusiasm, “Mummy, that's AWESOME! I love it!” or some similar exclamation, inevitably followed by, “Can I have it?” Bless her. If she had her way, her tiny bedroom would be overflowing with Mummy's creations. Obviously, I say “No” a whole lot. So every now and then when she requests something specific, I like to oblige her.

A while back, she saw another baby at Mothers' Group with a robot toy, and she declared that her Quackybaby (duck wheat heat that is her closest companion) LOVES robots and really wants a tiny Quacky-sized toy robot, but it needs to be soft so he can take it to bed at nap time. Then came the, “Mummy, can you sew one for Quackybaby?” Her delight in seeing the finished product was more than a little gratifying. She promptly named the robot “Tick-Tock”, and loves to make Quackybaby's arms cuddle it. She also frequently loses Tick-Tock down the side of the bed.

More recently, while she was playing with her Quiet Book during a car trip, she announced that she needed a tiny teddy to go in the bed on the bed-making page. "You can make me one, Mummy!" she states with certainty that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. That night, while she slept, I pulled out my travel stitching supplies and just happened to have enough felt scraps to make her a tiny teddy in pajamas. Win. 

Earlier this week, I woke up to this same sweet, quirky girl clambering into my bed, whimpering that she wanted to go to her grandparents' place. Once I calmed her down, I was able to ascertain that it was not actually her grandparents she was pining for, but rather a little penguin softie she played with while there on a recent visit. "Penguins are my FAVOURITE! Please sew me one, Mummy." I told her I couldn't that day, as we had a busy day planned. So next day, as she was heading to bed for her nap, she reminded me of the penguin I had supposedly "promised" to make. "How about you sew it while I am having a rest, then when I get up, you can give it to me. Is that a good idea?" "Ummmm...not sure I'll finish it by the time you finish your rest, Sweetie," I replied. "But you can try, hey." 

Ahhh, the sweet confidence. The delightful joy upon receiving her "order". I have asked myself more than once, "Am I spoiling her?" But my answer to myself is this: "She has a Mummy who spends many hours making stuff for other random people she doesn't know. It is good for her to benefit from these sewing skills for herself, and it's good for her to catch a love of creating and a confidence that it can be done. In a few years, she will have seen this process of design, sketch, cut out, stitch enough times that when she wants a new softie, she may actually sit down and make it herself." 

Of course, she may not. But I suspect she will.

The happy miss with her new penguin (note the penguin pajamas too!)

 #icantresisthersewingrequests

I Survived A Choc-Free Easter

Is this year flying by, or what?! Easter has been and gone already! Wow. 

Me at Christmas

I have something to share with you today, in a different vein than my usual posts. I survived a chocolate-free Easter. My first ever. Yes, it is possible!! "But why would you want to?" I hear you ask. Good question! One I shall endeavour to give my personal answer to below...

A while back, I shared a photo of the dress I wore on my first date with my hubby, and told you of my journey to a healthier lifestyle, and how I hope by the end of this year to fit into this dress that I have not worn for almost 8 years. What I didn't tell you was that this journey is so much more than a "get fit, eat healthy" journey. This is a journey to freedom. Freedom from what? Freedom from compulsive, emotionally-driven eating. 

There. I said it. It is hard to admit it even to myself, but I have developed an unhealthy relationship to food. Especially chocolate. I have shared in the past about my difficulty in coming to terms with certain details about my son's birth, and adjusting to being a Mum to two kids. Well, one way that I dealt with some of the day-to-day stress of those adjustments was to eat.  "I just need an energy boost to get me through the day," I would tell myself, while breaking off a row of chocolate and shoving it into my mouth, out of sight of the kids. Ahhh...what sweet comfort chocolate gives. For about five minutes. Then I would want more. I would try to make the block last a week, but too often, would consume it in a day. Not once, not twice, but over and over. Week after week. 

At first I didn't seem to see any weight gain, but as soon as I stopped breastfeeding my son, I piled on the weight. But I couldn't stop eating chocolate. If I kept myself from buying chocolate, I would scrounge around in my pantry until I could find something to substitute. Condensed milk and cocoa, or with peanut butter - not the same but it would do. Or I'd go for a carb fix of a different type - corn chips. Lots and lots of yummy, crunchy corn chips. 

I feel so ashamed admitting this, but allowing food to have power over me was something that I never thought would happen to ME. Realising I couldn't stop was not enough to make me do something about it. It took photos from a family do just before Christmas to make me see just how much my body had changed, and just how unhappy I was to go on living enslaved to food. One last hurrah at Christmas, then I determined to make some changes. Twenty kilograms (roughly 44 pounds) in one year, that was my goal. Preferably in six months, if I could. Well, three months have passed and I am only 500g away from being half-way to that goal! Yes, that truly is something to celebrate, but how shall I celebrate it? I used to eat chocolate to celebrate!

Losing weight was not my only goal. A bigger goal was to reclaim the freedom to eat chocolate with restraint. From the start, I knew that the only way I could get to this point was to forgo chocolate altogether - abstain from chocolate entirely, for a period of time. Until my 30th birthday in June. 

Which of course, meant a chocolate-free Easter. 

Do you know, I honestly thought I would feel hard-done-by. That I would find it difficult not to have a little pity party about being surrounded by chocolate but not able to eat any. But I can joyfully tell you this is not the case. 

Me today

I FEEL FREE!! I have had the best Easter ever, in some ways, as I have not had any guilt, self-hatred, sugar lows, and to top it all off, I felt like my heart was so much more free to focus on the sacrifice Jesus made for me that first Easter. And, here I am today, with my son asleep, my daughter at her grandparents' place, the house to myself, with a couple bowls of Easter eggs the kids were given, along with two of my favourite Lindt chocolate bunnies...and I know with absolute certainty that I am not going to touch any of it. That thought makes me smile. 

Now, don't get me wrong - I have had many moments of feeling weak. On those "bad" days when everything seemed to be going wrong, and all I wanted to do was dive off the wagon into a bowl full of chocolate (yes, I actually fantasized about that on more than one occasion!). But that just showed me all the more how chocolate had been a substitute for what my soul was truly craving. It wasn't a quick-fix I needed, it was Eternal Strength. It wasn't a sugar high that I needed, which would send me crashing down to a lower low afterwards, it was a moment to rest in the Everlasting Arms. And I am learning that, in less time than it takes to unwrap a block of chocolate, break off a row and consume all traces of that row before children burst into the room, I can actually turn my heart to God and ask Him to provide the strength, perspective, refreshing that I need. The effects last longer than chocolate, it doesn't cost anything (except my pride), and there is no self-hatred or guilt afterwards!!! EPIC WIN!!! 

Now, to get to the point where I can allow myself just one piece of chocolate, savour and enjoy it, but stop at that.

A Big Step

What a busy couple of weeks!! Hence the blog silence. Sorry about that!

The big news in the world of Candykins Crafts is that some of my products are now available in a real bricks and mortar store! Hurray!

I took a trip back to the neighbourhood in which I lived when I first moved to Brisbane - to a wonderful shop called Side Street Vintage, in Hawthorne. Side Street Vintage stocks a beautifully eclectic mix of vintage pieces, handmade pieces and craft supplies, in very welcoming and comfortable surrounds. Well worth a visit if you are in the area. While there, I couldn't help but pick up these adorable studs by Liddle Apples.

Oh, and this spectacular vintage knitting book, full of fab vintage fashion photography from 1952. (More on that coming up soon! Stay tuned!)

I am also taking stock to the Reverse Garbage gift shop on Tuesday, including these hoop art pieces on salvaged fabrics. An exciting step for Candykins Crafts!!

I confess, I am being a bit lazy today and just using Instagram pics from the week...if you are on Instagram, look me up @candykinscrafts for frequent updates of what I am currently working on (only if you are interested, of course!)

How To: Create a Magentic Secret Message Tin

We have these little magnetic alphabet letters on our fridge, for our kids to play with. But lately, I've been using them to leave little messages for my darling hubby. There is only one alphabet set, and it is just not sufficient!

So I had the idea to do up a set of magnetic words. I have seen something like this before on a friend's fridge. And I recalled that I have printable magnetic business cards stashed away somewhere. So, I whipped out the printable magnetic business cards, found the template online (they have a link in the business cards pack), and typed up a bunch of words that I thought would be useful in writing secret messages to my hubby. 

I'm not going to share the list of words with you, as that would be telling. But you could make them as family friendly or suggestive as you like. Think about what kinds of words you would need for the sorts of messages you might like to leave. Include plenty of pronouns. I also included some partial sentences, such as, "Thank you for..." and "I love it when...". I included a few sets of individual alphabet letters too, though they do tend to get lost amongst the words in the tin.

Don't forget to do a test print on paper, to check that the words are not going to be cut off. Using a generous margin helps too. 

Cut all your words out and pop them in a tin. I happened to have some cute tins that I am using for my dress up doll packaging, but a biscuit tin would do.

The last step (and in my opinion, the most tricky) is to find a spot to keep it that you will remember to check for messages, and remember to leave messages too - but somewhere that is out of reach of the kids (if you have any).

Have fun!

Shakespearean Quote with Blackwork Border

I'm sorry I've been AWOL recently. Sickness hit our household again, and I did not escape this time.

One plus side of being unwell is that I allow myself more time to sit. And if I am just sitting...I might as well be stitching. Here is the product of this recent stitching time. I was commissioned by the mother of a previous customer to create this piece.

It was a nice change to work with counted stitching on even weave Aida cloth. I drafted the script up myself, and used a pattern from Carol Leather's Blackwork For Beginners eBook (available here). 

I think the blackwork border works nicely with the quote - both originating from the period in history.

This is going to be a wedding present for my customer's son. And that warms my heart.

Hello Friends

For the first couple years after my daughter (my first child) was born, I was...lonely. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed her company immensely; I loved being a stay-at-home Mum, but I was lonely for girl friends. I had some beautiful girlfriends from pre-Eliza days - but some lived out of town, and others did not have kids yet. Working full-time, they were not available when I longed for hang out time; and when they were ready to hang out, I was too dang exhausted most of the time. My poor hubby can attest to this. Every so often, I would get all weepy about it. It was something I would hold before God regularly.

Image from here

I have recently realised just how much this situation has changed. Ever so gradually, my prayers were answered. My sisters and I started being more intentional about regular phone dates. This has been such a source of encouragement to me. I have developed some lovely friendships with other mums in my mothers' group. I also started meeting regularly with a close friend for prayer. Other friends from church have had little ones of their own, and we now have a fortnightly catch-up with our kids, where we can share our hearts' burdens and pray together. A couple of my friends from uni have remained good friends, and my friendships with them have grown closer over the years too, as we have gone through some difficult times together. I have grown closer with my sister-in-law. And besides all of these wonderful blessings, I have had the pleasure of meeting some lovely people across the world through Etsy. I have discovered one particular heart sister through Etsy, for whom I thank God every day.

Being a Mum at home does not need to be isolating. What I have learned through each of the friendships I mentioned above is: I AM NOT ALONE. So many of us women struggle with similar issues - body image, pressures from work, guilt, exhaustion, identity or worth issues, juggling work and kids, adjusting to the changes in relationship with partner that accompany having kids. Sometimes we can feel so alone, as if "I am the only person in the world who feels this way". Which can often lead to, "I must be dysfunctional/ unworthy/ inadequate/ not good enough". NOT TRUE!!

Image from here

I believe that we all struggle with feelings of inadequacy from time to time. It is part of being human. As is our desire to hide these feelings! We all hide behind different kinds of masks - this need is part of our drive for self-preservation. Masks can be very healthy and appropriate...but at times, they can actually be rather destructive or at the very least, counter-productive. We can invest so much energy hiding our struggles so that we can appear to have it all together - then fall apart in private, longing for someone to reach out to us.

Sometimes it takes one simple, honest admission of weakness to a friend to let her know that, in fact, SHE is not alone. Perhaps she looks like she has it all together - and perhaps she thinks just the same about you! Let's be brave, hold hands and speak honestly from our hearts about our struggles. We can shoulder the burdens together, and be stronger for it!

Hard Task Master

You know it's been a hard day at work when your boss gives you this tongue lashing:

You did a really poor job today! You did not take care of your clients properly, you either tried to control them or you neglected them, and if they wouldn't do things your way, you ignored them. Where has your care and compassion gone? Where is your nurturing, caring persona? And what has happened to your personal grooming? What on earth are you wearing? You look like a fat slob! And would it kill you to at least run a comb through your hair? You smell like you haven't showered for days! Also, you spent too much time on the internet while you were on duty. You were rude and impatient to your clients. Your work space looks like a giant bush turkey's nest. In fact, there is no evidence of you getting a single thing done today at all!! And did I mention that you stink?

Who would take that kind of crap from their boss? Oh hang on. Me. From me. I am such a hard task-master to myself!! What I need to hear from me goes a little more like this:

Candy, you seem unhappy with your work today. Just cast your mind over the day for a moment. Think about how you spent your time.

You played hide and seek. Three separate games.

You read eight books. While juggling two wriggly kids on your lap.

You had kids tackle hug you repeatedly.

You worked out – while supervising two kids and dealing with their attempts to steal your work-out equipment.

You prepared five meals AND CLEANED UP THE DISASTER AREA AFTER EACH MEAL.

You resisted eating chocolate brownie, smarties and corn chips, even though they were all readily available in your house.

You vacuumed the whole house, cleaned most of the house (while two clever kiddies uncleaned after you).

You cleaned up four wee puddles, and changed six nappies, and cleaned up poo off the floor and out of undies.

You did two loads of washing, and folded and put away four loads of washing, while supervising your children's playtime.

You brokered peace multiple times between warring kids, once involving a sand fight that required an extensive clean-up operation!

You started your work day abruptly at 5:12am, after being on call all night (and having to answer that call at least twice). You had no child-free time, no “break”. Your work day finished at 7:12pm, but not really because you then had to do more cleaning and prepare for the next day. Oh, and you are going to be on call all night too. 

I'm reminding you of this so that you can be more understanding and patient with yourself - not so that you can find your worth in the fact that you've done a reasonably good job under somewhat difficult circumstances.

 

Sure, you yelled more than you feel comfortable with. You lost your temper after the third wee puddle from the 3.5 year old who CAN control her bladder but prefers to play. You did escape online a multiple times when you needed a time out. You could have done things differently. You could have made different choices about how to handle certain situations. But today is past, and tomorrow is a fresh day. God's mercy is new every morning.

So stop being so hard on yourself and focus on tuning in to Him who loves you. Let Him love you. Take your frustrations to Him and breathe in His patience. Draw on His strength, His compassion, His love to supply the strength, compassion and love you need for your children. Beating yourself up just makes for an emotionally bruised and battered start to the next day. Rest in Him and receive His forgiveness for mistakes made. Apologise to your kids for the times you yelled at them and ask their forgiveness too. And be kind to yourself.

I far too often focus on the negatives. I'm sure I'm not the only one. Do you ever mentally beat yourself up? Well don't, it's not helpful! Remember, your worth is not based in how much you get done in a day, or what your house looks like, or how content your children are! You have unmeasurable worth because God lovingly created you and counted you precious enough to die for.

A Sentimental Favourite

I just LOVE this dress. I just found it again recently, after a long absence in my sister's closet. It never actually fit her in quite the right way, so I don't think she wore it much. However, when I passed it on to her, I asked her to give it back when she was done. You see, it's got special sentimental significance to me...

I wore this vintage dress on my first date with hubby, almost eight years ago. I'm ignoring the fact that it wasn't a planned date as such, and more of a "I'm going to be baking to make supper for church today and yes that's fine if you invite yourself over to help". It was the first time we hung out together one-on-one and hit it off. And he took me out for lunch, so it kinda was a date. It's the date we use as our anniversary, and it's almost eight years since that day!! 

Yep, eight years, two kids and two dress sizes since that day. I am currently on a quest to greater health - physical, emotional and spiritual health - and one of my goals is to be able to fit in some of my favourite clothes again. This dress would definitely qualify as one of my favourites, but it's so much tinier than I currently am that it seems impossible.

So today I pulled the dress out, ironed it and hung it in my room as a daily visual reminder! Here's hoping that it helps to motivate me when I'm feeling tempted to indulge in sweet treats or corn chips!!